On The Planet Of Bottled Brains by Harry Harrison

Author:Harry Harrison [Harrison, Harry]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: new
Published: 2011-01-15T04:01:30.625000+00:00

Bill, the Galactic Hero on the Planet of Bottled Brains

The right judge, the one with the drooping right eyelid and the droll expression, said, "I believe it is

'nothing' with the terminal 'g' omitted."

"But why would he do that?" the middle judge asked.

"It's probably some kind of a joke," the right judge said.

"Ah! Another joke! It likes me not, the disposition of this felon at the bar."

"He seems disposed to be humorous," the left judge said.

"If so, it is a grievous fault," the right judge said.

"And grievously shall he pay for it." The three judges looked at each other and smiled the satisfied smiles of men who have essayed a small joke in a difficult situation.

"Now then, prisoner, you are accused of being a party to the landing of an unauthorized spaceship in the public festival grounds illegally and without a license, thus seriously disrupting the slug festival and causing the organizer of the festival, Zek Horsley, public embarrassment of a degree judged to be felonious. Prisoner, how do you plead?"

"Huh?" Bill asked.

"Were you or were you not a party to the unauthorized landing of a spaceship on the festival grounds?"

"Now look," Bill said, "we were shot down. I was a passenger on the ship. But we were shot down by Swinglis*. We had no choice where we landed."

"I didn't ask you if you had any choice," the middle judge said. "I asked if you did land on the aforesaid fair grounds."

"Suppose I did," Bill said. "I'm talking hypothetically now."

"Duly noted," said the middle judge, his left eye drooping characteristically.

"Well then, if I did land on the fair grounds, first of all I had nothing to do with it, second of all, nobody was hurt, so I plead let's forget it and I'll get back to my military people."

"Nobody was hurt?" the middle judge said with a snort. "What about the slugs?"

"What slugs?"

"The slugs that had been assembled for the slug judging contest, that's what slugs."

"Yeah, well what about them?"

"Your ship crushed the slug sectioner where the slugs were sleeping."

"You mean we slushed the slug sectioner," Bill said, breaking into uncontrollable laughter as a human is apt to do when he makes a bad joke in extremely uptight surroundings. "Anyhow, I'll pay for the damage.

Or Duo will. How much will it cost to truck in another load of slugs?"

"He tries to make light of it," the middle judge remarked to the left judge behind his hand.

"Yet there might be merit in what he says."

"What of the embarrassment to Horsley?"

"And anyhow, are the slugs replaceable?"

"Not that lot, no."

"Obviously not that lot. I mean another lot that would represent a fair and more than fair exchange?"

"Hard to say. You know as well as I do how hard it is to pick a truckload of really good-looking fat old slugs, especially now with the dry season coming on."

"And there's still the insult to Horsley to be considered."

"I would feel more sympathetic to Horsley's plight," the right judge said, his eyelid having just stopped fluttering,

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